Why do I blog the past?

21 02 2011

Someone asked me why it is that I blog about the past; particularly now that I have moved on, have remarried and started to make a new life. This is a good question and its a real valid question to ask.

My answer is that I do it because its my story. It’s part of who I am. For many years no one would listen to my story. There was much pain, that was deep inside and simmering away. When I did some telephone counselling training; one of the important things we were told was to allow people to name what it was they were going through.

Were they feeling frustrated, angry, annoyed, sad, happy etc and what was it that was making them feel that way.

Through the media of blogging, I am able to tell my story. I am able to voice what has happened to me, what I went through, how it made me feel and even how it makes me feel today. Yes its true that I could privately journal these things. Yet truthfully; if I did that; the result of privately journaling would be the same as keeping every thing inside and not being able to tell my story.

Blogging therefore is the media in which I am able to tell my story. I am able to write about my memories as they surface. I am able to reflect on my journey of life. And in telling it here; I am able to move on; pray and process it, forgive and be healed.

The sheer nature of abuse to to silence the voice of the one being abused. A result being that its extremely hard for those who have suffered abuse to actually speak out. In telling my story; I not only tell my own story. I actually speak up and out for those who likewise have been silent and are unable to tell their own story and in doing so; help others to speak up and out also and hopefully contribute towards great social justice for those who need it.

Secondly this blog doesn’t define who I am. It helps me to work through who I am and releases me to be who I am. I am able to tell my story and leave it here. My blog is like a deposit box. When the debt of the past comes up; I am able to tell it; get it out and leave it here. This might sound weird, and might sound strange…. but for me it is totally reasonable and it works for me.


Unanswered questions

21 02 2011

Do you ever think back to a situation or experience and just wonder what really happened or wondered what was supposed to have happen? I have one such memory, which really crops up time to time and bugs me.

A few months before the separation happened; my wife begged me one morning not to go to church with her. She literally asked me to not go; saying that she had a ladies thing on afterwards.

When she came home; she gloated saying…Now every one knows what your like. They all know you have backslidden and lost your salvation because you didn’t come to church today.

I often ask myself what really happened at church that day? Was I to have gone. Was there an invitation to go that I had not received? What really happened?  I guess I will never know.

Finally: Some one is doing their job.

19 02 2011

The Australian Family Law act requires divorcing couples to undertake mediation; and thus free up the court system. There are a couple of exceptions; one of them being the case of domestic violence. I choose to go ahead with the mediation because I felt it was safer for me to do that; with a facilitator; then what it would have been in any face to face negotiation.

During that time; I challenged the facilitator about the lack of services and options that his company provided for male victims of DV. I have blogged about this before. Last week I received a phone call from the centre wanting to do a questionnaire with me about their services and how effective I found them.

I told her that I was extremely dissatisfied. That the process had empowered my ex’s abuse; and that I was really peeved that when entering the office, the walls were plastered with posters about dv being a crime and that all the public pamphlets in that office were to do with women being assaulted and they had nothing on display for men. Further more I told the lady about my questioning the facilitator about this and he went to look for some information for me and came back with a pamphlet from a mob who do general counselling…

To the credit of this lady on the phone; she seemed a little shocked. And she asked me if it was OK for her to put some stuff together and send it to me. I said thank you. Two days later I get a bulky envelope containing some brochures; fridge magnets, etc from various org’s. Such as Dad’s in Distress, Men’s Line, Catholic Care, Father’s Support Service and as well a photocopied list of various specific services; with the ones specific for men highlighted. She had also hand written some numbers on this paper with the name and number of someone from the Salvation Army.

I cried when I got this information. And while I still hold my reservations about the overall mediation experience; I say to this lady “Well done and thank you!”

The law is an ass at times…

27 01 2011

A mother has been charged with raping a 15 year old boy in the U.S.A… she gave birth to his son and… now a judge has ordered that he now has to pay her…. child support… read the full story here

Innocents facing the death penalty.

8 01 2011


Popular author  John Grisham is interviewed about his involvement in the USA judicial system regarding the death penalty. You can watch an interesting talk at a book expo regarding one of his upcoming books regarding this subject.

Interestingly he says its mostly men who are falsely incarcerated. He also says that the catch 22 regarding the execution process is that the system believes its impossible for innocent people to go onto being executed.

There are many forms of execution and you don’t have to be sitting on death row falsely accused to face a death blow. There are many others today who face a death blow every day; though they are not sitting on death row.

Day by day they face verbal, emotional, physical, mental and spiritual abuse; which slowly kills and destroys their very inner being…. yet society still refuses to believe what is happening.

Christmas eve

24 12 2010

For some of my readers Christmas is a time of rejoicing. For others its a time of heartache and sorrow.

Its a time of rejoicing for some; for you will spend time with your families; friends and enjoy the holiday break. For others its a time of rejoicing for faith filled reasons as we celebrate the birth of Jesus; God come in the flesh granting hope for the nations.

For others its a time of sorrow; you suffer loneliness. You may not have a family to celebrate with. You may not have access with your children. You may not have family around you for reasons of divorce, death and perhaps you are away from family because of work reasons.

What ever Christmas means to you this year. I pray that you will know the Joy that comes from knowing God is for you and not against you. That in your sorrows you will be comforted. In your times of joy you will be strengthened. I pray that no matter how hard this year has been; that next year will be better. That next year will be a year of hope. And for those who are celebrating Christmas with joy; I pray that you and your families will be kept safe over this holiday period and through out next year.

So this Christmas eve I want to bless you with a merry Christmas and say may God truly bless you.

craig b,

It was never enough; until it became enough!

20 12 2010

It’s increasingly becoming clearer that a sign of abuse is that no matter what someone does, it is never enough. Not only is it never enough; it rarely if ever is good enough.

It was my own experience that rarely could I ever do enough. When I become sick and started to regain enough strength to start to mow the lawn; it wasn’t good enough that I was trying to mow; although it would take me three days to finish it. If I mowed the front; I would be criticised as to why I hadn’t finished the back. Or if I did the back; it would be why the edges were not done. The term “A real man would do more…” would always accompany those criticisms.

I started to do some basic work for a business at that rented an upstairs room at church. Basically it meant sitting down and putting some equipment together. Slowly and awkwardly I would do so. My co-ordination not the best. Often I would fall asleep in the chair; or drop tools and pieces as my hands started to shake uncontrollably.

I appreciated this time which was more beneficially to me on a social basis then it was on an economic level. One day I arrived and found no one was downstairs in the church office nor upstairs in the business area where I worked.

On my way down the stairs I slipped and slid down the stairs. I was reminded of the time I had collapsed at work and it had taken an hour and a half before someone found me. It also reminded me that I was being silly for trying to negotiate stairs with a walking stick and with the mobility and balance problems that I had. This incident shook me up pretty badly and in the interests of personal safety I decided not to continue doing what I had been doing.

I was told by my ex wife that that wasn’t a good excuse to stop and that the wife of the business partner also agreed with her. Of course I believed her at the time. In hindsight I now believe that she had lied about what this persons wife had said.

It was nearly 6 – 8 months after I came home from hospital that my GP put me on prednisone to help control the affects of asthma. The steroid helped me to feel stronger and I self medicated myself to 30 – 40 mg every 2 days.

During this time I started to do some plodding work for some friends on their hobby farm. I was able to paint their fence with sump oil. Do some basic fence repairs. They also drew on my past experience working with animals to show them how to ear tag, drench; and castrate the young calves and goats.

I would normally have enough steam to plodder along for about an hour and then have at least an 1/2 hour break before getting back to it. After 3 hours I was totally exhausted and I would have to stop on the way home for a sleep in the car.

I would normally go there once or twice a week. I enjoyed my time there and appreciated the help that was given to me. One particular day when I came home dead on my feet and totally exhausted my ex wife greeted me at the door; her hand held out for the money and said to me “…Your not doing enough; you never do enough… you have to do more…”

. These words killed me inside. They totally dried me up and internally I died. It was soon after that experience that the specialist found out I was self medicating on prednisone and she had a metaphorical fit at me for doing so; ordering me to slowly wean myself off it.

In doing this my strength waned and my endurance fell back to what it was before and I found my health back to what it had been previously.

There came a time when I head those words That a real man would do more, combined with the words you don’t do enough! too many times. And one day enough did become enough and because enough was enough; I told her I was going to divorce her… which is a topic for another day….