It was never enough; until it became enough!

20 12 2010

It’s increasingly becoming clearer that a sign of abuse is that no matter what someone does, it is never enough. Not only is it never enough; it rarely if ever is good enough.

It was my own experience that rarely could I ever do enough. When I become sick and started to regain enough strength to start to mow the lawn; it wasn’t good enough that I was trying to mow; although it would take me three days to finish it. If I mowed the front; I would be criticised as to why I hadn’t finished the back. Or if I did the back; it would be why the edges were not done. The term “A real man would do more…” would always accompany those criticisms.

I started to do some basic work for a business at that rented an upstairs room at church. Basically it meant sitting down and putting some equipment together. Slowly and awkwardly I would do so. My co-ordination not the best. Often I would fall asleep in the chair; or drop tools and pieces as my hands started to shake uncontrollably.

I appreciated this time which was more beneficially to me on a social basis then it was on an economic level. One day I arrived and found no one was downstairs in the church office nor upstairs in the business area where I worked.

On my way down the stairs I slipped and slid down the stairs. I was reminded of the time I had collapsed at work and it had taken an hour and a half before someone found me. It also reminded me that I was being silly for trying to negotiate stairs with a walking stick and with the mobility and balance problems that I had. This incident shook me up pretty badly and in the interests of personal safety I decided not to continue doing what I had been doing.

I was told by my ex wife that that wasn’t a good excuse to stop and that the wife of the business partner also agreed with her. Of course I believed her at the time. In hindsight I now believe that she had lied about what this persons wife had said.

It was nearly 6 – 8 months after I came home from hospital that my GP put me on prednisone to help control the affects of asthma. The steroid helped me to feel stronger and I self medicated myself to 30 – 40 mg every 2 days.

During this time I started to do some plodding work for some friends on their hobby farm. I was able to paint their fence with sump oil. Do some basic fence repairs. They also drew on my past experience working with animals to show them how to ear tag, drench; and castrate the young calves and goats.

I would normally have enough steam to plodder along for about an hour and then have at least an 1/2 hour break before getting back to it. After 3 hours I was totally exhausted and I would have to stop on the way home for a sleep in the car.

I would normally go there once or twice a week. I enjoyed my time there and appreciated the help that was given to me. One particular day when I came home dead on my feet and totally exhausted my ex wife greeted me at the door; her hand held out for the money and said to me “…Your not doing enough; you never do enough… you have to do more…”

. These words killed me inside. They totally dried me up and internally I died. It was soon after that experience that the specialist found out I was self medicating on prednisone and she had a metaphorical fit at me for doing so; ordering me to slowly wean myself off it.

In doing this my strength waned and my endurance fell back to what it was before and I found my health back to what it had been previously.

There came a time when I head those words That a real man would do more, combined with the words you don’t do enough! too many times. And one day enough did become enough and because enough was enough; I told her I was going to divorce her… which is a topic for another day….

What it is like to live with a cluster B personality abuser.

15 11 2010

Over on the Shrink For Men website, they have written an article with a diagram about the cycle of abuse with a type B personality abuser.

Its a well written article that really brings great insight into what goes on within an abused relationship….


17 10 2010

In today’s Sunday Telegraph, they report that the NSW Government want to set up a data base for convicted perpetrators of domestic violence. They say those who are guilty of physical violence or 3 convicted AVO’s will go on data base as being known criminals to police and such info will be made available to courts if needed.

We support this in principal as being a good idea…

However there is an amazing bias in this report as it still doesn’t acknowledge the many men who are victims of Intimate Partner Abuse by females. Its been well documented that female abusers also are for the most part repeat offenders going from one abusive relationship to the next…..

If the NSW government is truly serious about stopping abuse… stop being gender biased.

It Is Now Legal For Women To Abuse Men Within a Relationship in NSW

10 06 2010

I have just read the NSW Governments

“Domestic and Family Violence Action Plan: Stop the Violence, End the Silence”

You can read this latest 5 year plan that was released on the 8th of June 2010

The Keneally Government’s Domestic and Family Violence Action Plan lays the foundation for a shift in how we as a government, as a community and as individuals, respond to domestic and family violence. It recognises that stamping out domestic and family violence is the responsibility of the whole community and we need to change the way our society treats domestic violence if we are to effectively prevent and respond to it.

This paragraph is from the introduction of the action plan. I applaud the Government for saying that we need to stamp out Domestic and Family Violence. We do need to do this.

However the Premier is lying in her statement. This 5 year plan offers nothing in it at all for men who suffer or have suffered or will suffer Domestic Violence from their female partner. In fact it doesn’t even mention that men also can be victims of Domestic Violence…or using the current term “Intimate Partner Violence ” (IPV)

This flies in the face of current research that not only says…but proves that men are abused by females at the same rate as women are by men. Not only does this research show this in Australia…it is shown in the current research in Canada, America and UK

What this paper…actually its more then a paper…its part of the NSW Law..because its an action plan to stop abuse…but the action plan is only to stop abuse of women….

I again reiterate…. YES YES YES lets stop the abuse of women… Are not men part of society. Are not men part of the fabric of families?

According to this paper… the answer is NO!

Fortified defences / How I responded

1 06 2010

So far in my posts I have spoken about whats been happening to me. I think its important for me to write about the ways I responded to my situation. There are times when I struggle with the way I acted and responded to my wifes actions. And there are times when I will feel a weight of guilt and shame rise up within me that indeed the way I responded made my wife do what she did.

It came to the point where I was no longer able to sit down and talk with my wife for more than a few minutes. I feared what was going to come out of her mouth. When she would shout or call me names I would turn my back and walk away from her.

The study become my man’s shed. It became my place of refuge. There in peace I could listen to music. I could sleep in my chair. I could write. I could read. I could pray. When I was  housebound from my disability it was the place where I could interact with the world through the internet.

When the violence escalated I would put my hand out like a stop sign saying, “If you don’t stop I will ring the police and have you charged. This would settle the situation down a little, causing her to retort to me about being a snivelling snitch who needed to run to the police.

After I had been punched in the head I felt physically sick in her presence. If I went out I would not want to come home. It seemed that no one wanted to listen to me or were willing to listen to me. Inside I craved a kind word. A kind touch. A kind gesture.

Because of my health limitations I would often be bored and started to play poker on the internet. Never for money though. I started to talk to people and meet others on the net through forums such as Face Book and other forums. This to some extent started to meet my basic needs for human acceptance. Because of my broken spirit, I started to turn to anyone who offered me a kind word. I found people on the internet who would listen to my heart ache.

There were a couple of people who I met for coffee whom I had met on the net. Over the years I have met people through various forums and have made some good friends from these meetings. The first of these coffee meetings happened a few months before I separated. None of my coffee meetings were sexual in nature nor were they a start to any affair.

I did meet one girl on the net who did like me and I did like her.  I quickly realised that it wasn’t possible, practical nor sustainable.  A marriage counsellor asked my ex and I to do some homework by writing a letter to each other, but not to give this letter to each other…nor were we to read each others letter. I started to write a letter to my wife telling her how she was destroying me. How her actions were causing me to hate her…

It was too much for me to write these things and on the next page I started to write a letter to this other girl whom I spoke about above. I wrote about how her kindness affected me and how I wanted to be her  man. There were a few more things I wrote on each page…but I can’t remember. What I do know is the things I wrote  on the second page was actually the things I wanted to say to my wife. I wanted to tell my wife that I wanted her to the woman in my life. I wanted to  say how much I appreciated her words. How much I appreciated her kindness….these were things I wanted to say and needed to say. The reality though I wasn’t able to say those things.

I tried to set up tape recorder to record my wifes behaviour, often saying to her can you speak up more louder for the tape…holding a microphone up in my hand …she would storm out away from me and it became a way for me to feel safe, a self-defence mechanism.

When my wife disconnected the internet, I had to ring my bro on his mobile as I used to chat to him on the internet. As I was calling him she said that she was going to cancel the house phone and just use her mobile phone because I had no right to use the phone because I wasn’t working and paying the bills. …. I had no money, had no mobile phone and had no way to contact others.. She snarled at me saying…whats the matter can’t you survive without being able to be contactable…

Up till that point I had walked away and tried not to respond to her attacks. Deep anger rose up in me and I threw the phone to the floor.  I grabbed her phone and took the battery from it and she reacted saying give me my battery back, this is my life line. I didn’t and she attacked me tearing my shirt from me, hitting me. She then threatened that if I didn’t give her battery back to her she would destroy my computer, destroy my writings and rip up my books.

I stood in front of the study where she attacked me again telling me to get out-of-the-way. I was able to restrain her and somehow move her more into the center of the room. Then I was bitten on the wrist to the bone. I pushed her away from me and she fell onto the couch hitting her face while doing so.

It was then she rang the police telling them I had abused her. They came and eventually asked me if I wanted to charge her for abuse. I said no, and they advised me to move out, which I did.Into the back of my van for a several weeks.

When i moved in with my brother, she would ring there abusing me and I would hang the phone up on her. Whenever she would yell, shout, criticize etc I would hang up on her. This action caused her to be more angry with me.

While living at my brothers I had access to my boys. I lived across from the school and would pick them up most days. On the days I would pick them up for them to stay with me she would force herself into the house and make the kids change from their school uniform into other clothes. She would say things like…I’m doing this for the kids sake because you don’t know how to look after them properly… in the end I had to tell her… you cannot come in her any more…if you do I will ring the police and have you charge with assault and trespass.

I still don’t feel safe in her presence. At our last mediation session I told her that I do not feel safe in her presence. While the facilitator’s back was turned away from us as he wrote on the white board, she smiled at me making a gesture of playing a violin. I said to her, I find your actions very abusive and as the facilitator turned to us she stopped doing what she was doing and pretended to do some reading.

I often question myself asking if what I did cause the abuse?  Was it a natural reaction to what was going on around me? Could I have reacted in other ways? Were there other coping strategies that I could have put into place instead of the ones I did?

The questions I ask others who tell me I did the wrong thing and made the wrong choices is “What would you have done if you were in my shoes”?

When is the truth not the truth?

20 05 2010

Its been interesting to read what information is out there regarding domestic abuse from official websites.

The department of community services in NSW Australia have nothing…not a thing to help men who may be going through an abusive time. On the NSW Police force’s website on its section about domestic abuse it begins with saying that men are more often the perpeptuators of voilence in a relationship…this is for the most part correct when it comes to physical battering, though women are mostly guilty of slapping, throwing items and biting.

It then goes to say that emotional and vervbal abuse are the most common forms of abuse and its results are often more devastating then other forms….which means the information offered by the NSW Police Force is wrong because research shows that it is women who are the greater offender of emotional and verbal abuse.

A survey research paper done by the department of Health by the Canadian Government says that in hetrosexual relationships 8% of women will face domestic abuse and 7% of men will suffer from abuse..

In England and the United States research is saying that 40% of all domestic abuse victims are men…and that figure most likely is under reported as men tend to suffer a greater deal of shame and embarressment to report it. As someone who has been involved in suicide prevention and awareness, I would like to be able to find out the number of men who have taken their lives because of continual abuse?

If so then the information that’s given by the government and accepted as truth by  society is wrong, for if  someone takes their life because of abuse then those people are victims of abuse…m

There are no indications to say that the research done in Canada, America and England would have any different social markers for society in Australia and indeed most of the research that is publicised and used in Australia references selected papers used in those other countries. Whether we use the Canadian percentages or the stats from America and England the truth is that there isn’t such a big difference between who is a victim of abuse.

I stand against abuse of any kind… I am against abuse of any kind against men and children and I am against abuse of any kind against women.

In the fight to stop it, lets stop with the lies that is fed to society and admit it is more then just a gender issue.