Should I or shouldn’t I?

6 09 2011

I have been talking to a number of people who have shared with me their story of being abused. Within the framework of those discussions its been often mentioned that its not to late to have the abuser charged with the abuse and they be punished for it. Within the law system of NSW there is no statue of limitations regarding such events.

I have been been tossing and turning the last few nights and thinking about the issue of taking your own medicine or following the advice given to others and having my ex charged regarding her past abuse. Certainly there has been no acknowledgement of this on her behalf and much manipulation of the children regarding such abuse.

One such issue is the fact that a couple of years ago my then 7 year old son witnessed and was distressed when a member of the family threatened to get a knife and stab me with it. Last night during a phone call he was saying “Dad – you have to build a bridge and get over it” that the person in question was only joking at the time….and that he was worried about it- he was only 7 at the time and didn’t understand that it was a joke….but now he is 9 he does understand it was a joke.

It was no joke at the time and his distress over that event also was no joke. It’s a common practice of abusers to turn something nasty into a form of a joke. To turn and abusive situation into something that they thought was funny. During the phone call my son said to me …Dad you didn’t have to sleep in your van…you could have stayed at your mums…I could hear his mum coaching him to say what he was saying in the background…

Yes its true, perhaps during that 6 week period, when I was sleeping in my van I could have stayed at my mums…but -during  the previous 16 months I had been repeatedly told that even my family wanted nothing to do with me and knew I was mentally ill…. that sort of mental / emotional abuse does play havoc with your mind and as a result I wan’t able to go and stay at my mums during that time.

I have been advised and am seriously thinking that I need to have my ex wife charged with the crime of physical, emotional, mental, verbal and spiritual abuse. For abuse is a crime. And my ex wife committed those crimes of abuse. So the question arises….what should I do?

Calvary Comments

8 03 2011

Over on the Calvary Comments blog they have posted 4 myths about Domestic Abuse.

They being

1. Domestic violence doesn’t happen in my community.

2. Only men can be abusers

3. It’s obvious when someone is the victim of abuse

4. It should be easy to leave an abusive partner.


It’s good to see this points being emphasised; though there are some serious statistical numbers being presented that are clearly wrong…such as 25 % of women will suffer DV, and 85 % DV victims are women. All together though there are some worthwhile points that have been made.

I made this comment; which awaits moderation and frankly I will be surprised if it is allowed to be posted.

Your statistic about 85% of dv abuse victims being women is wrong and a little miss-leading as DV is not considered to be just battering…but includes emotional, sexual, physical, mental, verbal and spiritual abuse. In the west; current research over the last 10 years has shown that within heterosexual relationships 8% of those relationships will be women who face abuse and 7% will be men who suffer abuse from the hands of their partners. This equates to a minimum of 40% of males being victims of intimate partner abuse.

Then the figures raise significantly higher within same sex relationships where the level of abuse is considered to be the same between male / male and female / female.

Unanswered questions

21 02 2011

Do you ever think back to a situation or experience and just wonder what really happened or wondered what was supposed to have happen? I have one such memory, which really crops up time to time and bugs me.

A few months before the separation happened; my wife begged me one morning not to go to church with her. She literally asked me to not go; saying that she had a ladies thing on afterwards.

When she came home; she gloated saying…Now every one knows what your like. They all know you have backslidden and lost your salvation because you didn’t come to church today.

I often ask myself what really happened at church that day? Was I to have gone. Was there an invitation to go that I had not received? What really happened?  I guess I will never know.


27 11 2010

It is no secret that in the Western World there is much talk about equality between the sex’s. And indeed we should push for gender equality and accept it. However I am continually shocked that in the newspapers of today they continue to push the same old barrow that its only women and children who are abused within heterosexual relationships.

In the Sydney Sunday Telegraph 28th November on page 13 there is a interview with the Sex Discrimination Commissioner; Elizabeth Broderick. In it she rebukes the federal government for not fulfilling its promises to reduce attacks on women and children…

This is the Sex Discrimination Commissioner herself who is discriminating against men in society who also are victims of abuse within the society in which we live. I am a man. I am am a heterosexual man. I was abused by my wife. If I did to my wife what she did to me…I would have been locked up in goal.

Why, why, why can’t they make a genderless statement and say.. We want to stamp out abuse of every kind within Australia. And in doing so help prevent abuse for all in Australia?

17 10 2010

In today’s Sunday Telegraph, they report that the NSW Government want to set up a data base for convicted perpetrators of domestic violence. They say those who are guilty of physical violence or 3 convicted AVO’s will go on data base as being known criminals to police and such info will be made available to courts if needed.

We support this in principal as being a good idea…

However there is an amazing bias in this report as it still doesn’t acknowledge the many men who are victims of Intimate Partner Abuse by females. Its been well documented that female abusers also are for the most part repeat offenders going from one abusive relationship to the next…..

If the NSW government is truly serious about stopping abuse… stop being gender biased.

Does the state and federal government really want to stamp out Domestic Abuse

17 06 2010

This text comes from page 6 of the NSW Stop the Violence 5 year Action  Plan

This Action Plan provides a strategy for Government, non-government organisations and the community on how we can work together better to stop domestic and family violence and respond more effectively when it happens.
In recent years there have been many initiatives to help stop domestic and family violence, by both Government and non-government agencies. These initiatives have been vital in improving the lives of many women and children across NSW so they can live their lives free from violence. This Action Plan builds on these initiatives.

It then goes on to say

Tackling domestic and family violence is a major priority for the NSW Government as stated in the NSW State Plan. As part of this Plan we are working to:
■ provide safe and appropriate long-term accommodation and support to people experiencing domestic and family violence, relationship and family breakdown
■ provide more protection for victims while increasing conviction rates through reform of sexual assault laws and procedures
■ reduce the level of domestic violence for Aboriginal children and young people
■ provide more support for victims of domestic and family violence, through access to specialist police officers
■ implement a more coordinated and strategic policing response to domestic and family violence while meeting the needs of victims
■ improve support for victims of crime in the court system, particularly victims of domestic and family violence, sexual assault and hate-based crimes.
The NSW Domestic and Family Violence Action Plan builds on the priorities laid out in the State Plan and sets the direction for reducing domestic and family violence and ending the silence when it does occur.

It then talks about Domestic Violence.

What is domestic violence?
There are many definitions of domestic violence. This Plan recognises that domestic violence, also referred to as Intimate Partner Violence, is gender-based violence and a violation of human rights. It involves:
‘Violent, abusive or intimidating behaviour carried out by an adult against a partner or former partner to control and dominate that person. Domestic violence causes fear, physical and/or psychological harm. It is most often violent, abusive or intimidating behaviour by a man against a woman. Living with domestic violence has a profound effect upon children and young people and may constitute a form of child abuse.
The above definition includes violence in same sex relationships. Domestic violence includes physical abuse; sexual abuse; psychological, emotional and verbal abuse; social abuse; economic abuse; and harassment and stalking. These various forms of abuse often occur simultaneously as a form of systematic abuse with the effect of coercing and controlling a partner. Many forms of domestic violence are offences under the NSW Crimes Act 1900.’

Yet according to this Handsard report which is dated the 8th of June, the government is not spending any money, nor is it acknowledging that MEN also are victims of Intimate Partner Abuse (domestic violence)
There is ample evidence and research done in the area of IPA towards men. Yet it would appear that the governmental agencies are not interested in any of that research.

Its been my personal experience and unfortunatly I have heard its the experience of many men also that there is a lack of resources and help for men who are suffering abuse in the forms mentioned above.

I am currently undergoing mediation with my ex wife in regards to the divorce and seperation issues. we are doing that through Relationships Australia which is a governmental funded organisation, which any one who is going through a divorce must attend.

In their foyer is a pamphlet stand that is full of brochures and pamphlets and information for help in regards to domestic violence.  There is not one brochure or pamphlet that contains information about men who suffer abuse. All the information on that stand makes out that men are the perpeptuator and that they are never victims.

I asked the facilitator for some info for myself in regards to undergoing some help and counselling regarding my experience. He went and did some search and came back with a brochure that promoted Oxfame. It had no information on it about males being victims of dv only that they had some counselling services.

The point is…this is a government funded center. It is clearly marked that they offer counselling and resources for anyone who is a victim of dv. Yet…again because I am a man… they couldn’t and wouldn’t help me.

In the action plan it says, that Intimate Partner Abuse is a violation of Human Rights. This is such a funny play on words. You can read my other findings about Human Rights in Australia and what the Government says about that here

Society may not care…but there is one who does.

14 06 2010

Society tells me as a man that I’m to get in touch with my emotions more. It tells me that I need to work more on being self aware. Society tells me that I need to feel more. Society tells me that I need to be able to express my emotions and how I feel more. It tells me that as a man I need to share more of what is going deep inside my inner man. To be able to express my fears, my inadequacies and to face up to who I really am not.

Yet when I a man cry out from deep within where I have buried my pain. When I a man share of his deep shame, and cry from the pain. When I a man, share of a soul destroying shame that is caused by domestic violence at the hands of his wife.

What do I find? I find that society doesn’t really want to know a man who feels pain. Society doesn’t really care to hear that he is self aware. Society turns around and ignores his cry. Society laughs at his pain. Society denies his right to help and even assumes blame, and thinks he is less of a man. And so society adds to his guilt and shame.

And so this man turns inward having been encouraged by society to self blame and carry guilt and shame. For it turns out that society really wants a man who doesn’t care. Doesn’t feel! For what society really wants is a man to be silent and not to really share. It really wants this man to neither share, nor to be bent over double in despair.

But as a Christian I find a whisper to my soul. Keep looking up, for here you will find your goal. You can cast all your burdens onto me for I care. My yoke is easy and with me you can share. I know all about you. I know of your cares.

And so silently I start to cry out to above. Then the pain starts to come out; and becomes more then a sob. It’s a moan without words. It renders the heart. It comes from a pain of desperation that doesn’t know where to start.

Society may not care. And it may seem that I am on my own. No matter my struggle. No matter my need. No matter who ignores me, or refuses my story to believe. I have taken heart to know that the one whom is above. He has totally walked in my shoes and so gives comfort from above.

This comfort and care and this deep love from above, it’s not just for me. It’s for all who are in need. For He cries out to all, Come, come to me. All who are heavily burdened and deeply tired and in great pain. For I will give you rest. I will grant you relief. Together we will walk and bring you through all this grief.

So I start to sob and pour my heart out to God. He takes my pain, and replaces it again and again. He grants me great hope. He takes my guilt and he takes my shame and he replaces it with acceptance and love. It’s a love that’s so deep. A love that can only come from above, he replaces deep sorrow with joy from above. It’s a joy that brings strength. It’s a joy that brings hope.

And so the whisper to my soul is there is a future for you. I have a plan and a purpose and I truly love you.