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Categories : abusers
Someone asked me why it is that I blog about the past; particularly now that I have moved on, have remarried and started to make a new life. This is a good question and its a real valid question to ask.
My answer is that I do it because its my story. It’s part of who I am. For many years no one would listen to my story. There was much pain, that was deep inside and simmering away. When I did some telephone counselling training; one of the important things we were told was to allow people to name what it was they were going through.
Were they feeling frustrated, angry, annoyed, sad, happy etc and what was it that was making them feel that way.
Through the media of blogging, I am able to tell my story. I am able to voice what has happened to me, what I went through, how it made me feel and even how it makes me feel today. Yes its true that I could privately journal these things. Yet truthfully; if I did that; the result of privately journaling would be the same as keeping every thing inside and not being able to tell my story.
Blogging therefore is the media in which I am able to tell my story. I am able to write about my memories as they surface. I am able to reflect on my journey of life. And in telling it here; I am able to move on; pray and process it, forgive and be healed.
The sheer nature of abuse to to silence the voice of the one being abused. A result being that its extremely hard for those who have suffered abuse to actually speak out. In telling my story; I not only tell my own story. I actually speak up and out for those who likewise have been silent and are unable to tell their own story and in doing so; help others to speak up and out also and hopefully contribute towards great social justice for those who need it.
Secondly this blog doesn’t define who I am. It helps me to work through who I am and releases me to be who I am. I am able to tell my story and leave it here. My blog is like a deposit box. When the debt of the past comes up; I am able to tell it; get it out and leave it here. This might sound weird, and might sound strange…. but for me it is totally reasonable and it works for me.
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Tags: speaking up, voice it
Categories : abusers, identity, Why do I blog
Over on the Shrink For Men website, they have written an article with a diagram about the cycle of abuse with a type B personality abuser.
Its a well written article that really brings great insight into what goes on within an abused relationship….
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Tags: cluster b personality disorder
Categories : abuse, abusers, female abusers
I have just read the NSW Governments
“Domestic and Family Violence Action Plan: Stop the Violence, End the Silence”
You can read this latest 5 year plan that was released on the 8th of June 2010 http://www.women.nsw.gov.au/
The Keneally Government’s Domestic and Family Violence Action Plan lays the foundation for a shift in how we as a government, as a community and as individuals, respond to domestic and family violence. It recognises that stamping out domestic and family violence is the responsibility of the whole community and we need to change the way our society treats domestic violence if we are to effectively prevent and respond to it.
This paragraph is from the introduction of the action plan. I applaud the Government for saying that we need to stamp out Domestic and Family Violence. We do need to do this.
However the Premier is lying in her statement. This 5 year plan offers nothing in it at all for men who suffer or have suffered or will suffer Domestic Violence from their female partner. In fact it doesn’t even mention that men also can be victims of Domestic Violence…or using the current term “Intimate Partner Violence ” (IPV)
This flies in the face of current research that not only says…but proves that men are abused by females at the same rate as women are by men. Not only does this research show this in Australia…it is shown in the current research in Canada, America and UK
What this paper…actually its more then a paper…its part of the NSW Law..because its an action plan to stop abuse…but the action plan is only to stop abuse of women….
I again reiterate…. YES YES YES lets stop the abuse of women… Are not men part of society. Are not men part of the fabric of families?
According to this paper… the answer is NO!
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Categories : abuse, abusers, cycle of violence, domestic violence, dysfunction, emotional abuse, female abusers
I have felt a bit down today. I have found it hard to get things done and wondering if I am suffering some form of Post Traumatic Stress. I have a few assignments to finish before Thursday and am really struggling putting them together.
I received a email from another organisation tonight which really was a great encouragement to me. They made the offer to help me\ to contact the NSW Police Department about the information they offer on their website about Domestic Abuse.. you can read my post on that here
I don’t want to say too much about who offered to help me yet until I have spoken more to them about it and I have their permission. What I can say though is a very public thank you… you have no idea how much your email tonight really encouraged me. ….. then again…. perhaps you do!
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Categories : abuse, abusers, cycle of violence, domestic violence, dysfunction, emotional abuse, gender discrimination, gender equality, male help, mens help, verbal abuse, violence
So far in my posts I have spoken about whats been happening to me. I think its important for me to write about the ways I responded to my situation. There are times when I struggle with the way I acted and responded to my wifes actions. And there are times when I will feel a weight of guilt and shame rise up within me that indeed the way I responded made my wife do what she did.
It came to the point where I was no longer able to sit down and talk with my wife for more than a few minutes. I feared what was going to come out of her mouth. When she would shout or call me names I would turn my back and walk away from her.
The study become my man’s shed. It became my place of refuge. There in peace I could listen to music. I could sleep in my chair. I could write. I could read. I could pray. When I was housebound from my disability it was the place where I could interact with the world through the internet.
When the violence escalated I would put my hand out like a stop sign saying, “If you don’t stop I will ring the police and have you charged. This would settle the situation down a little, causing her to retort to me about being a snivelling snitch who needed to run to the police.
After I had been punched in the head I felt physically sick in her presence. If I went out I would not want to come home. It seemed that no one wanted to listen to me or were willing to listen to me. Inside I craved a kind word. A kind touch. A kind gesture.
Because of my health limitations I would often be bored and started to play poker on the internet. Never for money though. I started to talk to people and meet others on the net through forums such as Face Book and other forums. This to some extent started to meet my basic needs for human acceptance. Because of my broken spirit, I started to turn to anyone who offered me a kind word. I found people on the internet who would listen to my heart ache.
There were a couple of people who I met for coffee whom I had met on the net. Over the years I have met people through various forums and have made some good friends from these meetings. The first of these coffee meetings happened a few months before I separated. None of my coffee meetings were sexual in nature nor were they a start to any affair.
I did meet one girl on the net who did like me and I did like her. I quickly realised that it wasn’t possible, practical nor sustainable. A marriage counsellor asked my ex and I to do some homework by writing a letter to each other, but not to give this letter to each other…nor were we to read each others letter. I started to write a letter to my wife telling her how she was destroying me. How her actions were causing me to hate her…
It was too much for me to write these things and on the next page I started to write a letter to this other girl whom I spoke about above. I wrote about how her kindness affected me and how I wanted to be her man. There were a few more things I wrote on each page…but I can’t remember. What I do know is the things I wrote on the second page was actually the things I wanted to say to my wife. I wanted to tell my wife that I wanted her to the woman in my life. I wanted to say how much I appreciated her words. How much I appreciated her kindness….these were things I wanted to say and needed to say. The reality though I wasn’t able to say those things.
I tried to set up tape recorder to record my wifes behaviour, often saying to her can you speak up more louder for the tape…holding a microphone up in my hand …she would storm out away from me and it became a way for me to feel safe, a self-defence mechanism.
When my wife disconnected the internet, I had to ring my bro on his mobile as I used to chat to him on the internet. As I was calling him she said that she was going to cancel the house phone and just use her mobile phone because I had no right to use the phone because I wasn’t working and paying the bills. …. I had no money, had no mobile phone and had no way to contact others.. She snarled at me saying…whats the matter can’t you survive without being able to be contactable…
Up till that point I had walked away and tried not to respond to her attacks. Deep anger rose up in me and I threw the phone to the floor. I grabbed her phone and took the battery from it and she reacted saying give me my battery back, this is my life line. I didn’t and she attacked me tearing my shirt from me, hitting me. She then threatened that if I didn’t give her battery back to her she would destroy my computer, destroy my writings and rip up my books.
I stood in front of the study where she attacked me again telling me to get out-of-the-way. I was able to restrain her and somehow move her more into the center of the room. Then I was bitten on the wrist to the bone. I pushed her away from me and she fell onto the couch hitting her face while doing so.
It was then she rang the police telling them I had abused her. They came and eventually asked me if I wanted to charge her for abuse. I said no, and they advised me to move out, which I did.Into the back of my van for a several weeks.
When i moved in with my brother, she would ring there abusing me and I would hang the phone up on her. Whenever she would yell, shout, criticize etc I would hang up on her. This action caused her to be more angry with me.
While living at my brothers I had access to my boys. I lived across from the school and would pick them up most days. On the days I would pick them up for them to stay with me she would force herself into the house and make the kids change from their school uniform into other clothes. She would say things like…I’m doing this for the kids sake because you don’t know how to look after them properly… in the end I had to tell her… you cannot come in her any more…if you do I will ring the police and have you charge with assault and trespass.
I still don’t feel safe in her presence. At our last mediation session I told her that I do not feel safe in her presence. While the facilitator’s back was turned away from us as he wrote on the white board, she smiled at me making a gesture of playing a violin. I said to her, I find your actions very abusive and as the facilitator turned to us she stopped doing what she was doing and pretended to do some reading.
I often question myself asking if what I did cause the abuse? Was it a natural reaction to what was going on around me? Could I have reacted in other ways? Were there other coping strategies that I could have put into place instead of the ones I did?
The questions I ask others who tell me I did the wrong thing and made the wrong choices is “What would you have done if you were in my shoes”?
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Categories : abuse, abusers, cycle of violence, divorce, domestic violence, dysfunction, emotional abuse, female abusers, feminism, gender discrimination, gender equality, male help, male victim, mens help, mens issues, shattered lives, verbal abuse, violence
Its been interesting to read what information is out there regarding domestic abuse from official websites.
The department of community services in NSW Australia have nothing…not a thing to help men who may be going through an abusive time. On the NSW Police force’s website on its section about domestic abuse it begins with saying that men are more often the perpeptuators of voilence in a relationship…this is for the most part correct when it comes to physical battering, though women are mostly guilty of slapping, throwing items and biting.
It then goes to say that emotional and vervbal abuse are the most common forms of abuse and its results are often more devastating then other forms….which means the information offered by the NSW Police Force is wrong because research shows that it is women who are the greater offender of emotional and verbal abuse.
A survey research paper done by the department of Health by the Canadian Government says that in hetrosexual relationships 8% of women will face domestic abuse and 7% of men will suffer from abuse..
In England and the United States research is saying that 40% of all domestic abuse victims are men…and that figure most likely is under reported as men tend to suffer a greater deal of shame and embarressment to report it. As someone who has been involved in suicide prevention and awareness, I would like to be able to find out the number of men who have taken their lives because of continual abuse?
If so then the information that’s given by the government and accepted as truth by society is wrong, for if someone takes their life because of abuse then those people are victims of abuse…m
There are no indications to say that the research done in Canada, America and England would have any different social markers for society in Australia and indeed most of the research that is publicised and used in Australia references selected papers used in those other countries. Whether we use the Canadian percentages or the stats from America and England the truth is that there isn’t such a big difference between who is a victim of abuse.
I stand against abuse of any kind… I am against abuse of any kind against men and children and I am against abuse of any kind against women.
In the fight to stop it, lets stop with the lies that is fed to society and admit it is more then just a gender issue.
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Categories : abuse, abusers, cycle of violence, divorce, domestic violence, female abusers, feminism, gender discrimination, gender equality, male help, male victim, mens help, mens issues, shattered lives, verbal abuse, violence