27 11 2010

It is no secret that in the Western World there is much talk about equality between the sex’s. And indeed we should push for gender equality and accept it. However I am continually shocked that in the newspapers of today they continue to push the same old barrow that its only women and children who are abused within heterosexual relationships.

In the Sydney Sunday Telegraph 28th November on page 13 there is a interview with the Sex Discrimination Commissioner; Elizabeth Broderick. In it she rebukes the federal government for not fulfilling its promises to reduce attacks on women and children…

This is the Sex Discrimination Commissioner herself who is discriminating against men in society who also are victims of abuse within the society in which we live. I am a man. I am am a heterosexual man. I was abused by my wife. If I did to my wife what she did to me…I would have been locked up in goal.

Why, why, why can’t they make a genderless statement and say.. We want to stamp out abuse of every kind within Australia. And in doing so help prevent abuse for all in Australia?

Is there institutional abuse within the family mediation process.

26 11 2010

A close friend of mine went through the family mediation process with Relationship Australia in Campbelltown NSW earlier this year and both he and his ex wife signed off on the parenting plan and how to divide the mutual assets in May. He was told he would soon receive the Family Dispute Resolution Certificate in the mail; which never came and he was told a number of times it would be sent out soon.

14 weeks ago his ex wife moved to a new address without informing him where they were living and took away the phone he had given the girls so he could not contact them. He then gets a phone call from a Relationships Australia office; this time in Fairfield NSW telling him he had to come into the office for another mediation session.

He was then told a number of stories about the previous Family Dispute Resolution Certificate in that they would send it out soon and then lately he was told they will not issue it until he finishes this current mediation process.

There is a huge problem with this. For the Australian Family Law says that he cannot apply to the court for the signed parenting plan to be binding; without this Family Dispute Resolution Certificate. Today I made some enquiries for him from a friend within the legal profession who gave me some phone numbers and suggested he contact the National Office of Relationship’s Australia and if he got no satisfaction there; to ring the Executive Officer for this company.

He rang them both today and was curtly told that he had to finish the current mediation session before they would issue the Family Dispute Resolution Certificate to him.

This means for the last 14 weeks he has had little contact with his daughters; and no access what so ever and a useless parenting plan that had been agreed and signed off 6 months previously. His next step will be to contact to the Department of the Attorney General so that he can finally get the certificate that by law he should have been given 6 months earlier….. or was he?


An analysis of the Position Paper by the Women’s Council for Domestic and Family Violence Services (WA)

19 11 2010

This is an interesting analysis of the Western Australians Government position paper on Intimate Partner Abuse.

The question I ask is why…why…why… do our governments say they offer help for all who suffer Intimate Partner Abuse and yet when it comes to the crunch… in reality its only women who are offered support.

Don’t just believe the status quo and standard rhetoric about gender biased abuse…. read the facts and make your own mind up… based on the facts

What it is like to live with a cluster B personality abuser.

15 11 2010

Over on the Shrink For Men website, they have written an article with a diagram about the cycle of abuse with a type B personality abuser.

Its a well written article that really brings great insight into what goes on within an abused relationship….


Justice and mercy or criticism and judgement

13 11 2010

I have not posted here for a while. One of the reasons is that I find it difficult to talk about the area of abuse; both in my experience and the experience of others. Its easy for me to go back to the memories of those experiences, to be drawn into the pain of what happened and back into the depression and deep feelings of shame and worthlessness.

It’s easy for me to remember the words of criticism. It’s easy for me to remember the words of judgement and the deep deep internal pain and confusion that comes over me, raises up within me and works its insidious destruction within me. And its easy to enter into that box of entrapment and binds of internal pain.

One way I have learnt to survive is through concentrating on mercy and justice. Because I am a Christian this involves my personal faith of concentrating on Gods justice and mercy towards me and the enablement this brings for me to forgive those who have hurt me in the past and continue to do so now. Justice and mercy helps me to survive in the now. It frees me from the grip of the past. And by concentrating on the good in my life helps me not dwell on the pain of the past.

Recently I was involved in a small group setting in which some emotional, mental and spiritual abuse occurred. I came home burdened and heavy and wrote a letter to two of the leaders of that group. I was talking to my wife tonight about the area of abuse and how I would do two things.

  1. Stand up against any kind of abuse when ever it happened when ever I was able to.
  2. If I wasn’t able to stand up against it, I would run from it. I would run in a flash for there is no way I would ever allow myself to be subjected to what I had experienced in the past and re-enter into the destructiveness of the internal pain of that experience.

So for a large part, my not posting here lately has been my flight response in fleeing from the memories and the pain it produces when I talk about it. However that doesn’t really help the problem. It doesn’t help the men who are suffering now from the effects of abuse. It doesn’t help the society in which we live to be free from this issue. And it doesn’t bring mercy and justice for those who are clearly hurting from the denial that abuse has happened.

I ask your forgiveness for my cowardice. I ask for your prayers if you are a praying person. I ask that you would pray that I would be strengthened to help fight against the injustice within society for all this affects. For abuse affects men, it affects the women and children involved. And by not acknowledging women do abuse, society is failing to help those women find healing. It is failing to help those kids who are victims of that abuse. And it fails to help the men who are deeply hurting also.

There is a tension that I must walk. There is the side where I can turn and run and avoid my responsibility to help others.  And in doing this; avoid re-entering into my own personal pain and reliving the nightmares I once had. The other side is my responsibility within society to help others and in doing so enter into the personal pain of the past and present of those who are deeply hurting today.

Tonight I received a message from a young man, who asked my permission to post my story on his face book page, and link it to this blog. I said yes, go for it. I was deeply touched when I sent him a friendship request and read his status on the link which said,

A very sad story from an inspirational man. Read!

I don’t feel that I am an inspirational man. His words touched me to the core of my being. And it brought about a deep conviction that while I don’t feel I’m an inspiration, telling my story has helped some people and brought a deeper awareness of the hidden problems within society. And in doing so has deeply encouraged me to dig deep and keep working and telling the story of myself and those whom also are deeply hurting within Australia once again.