Allowing children to be children

27 09 2010

Continuing from my previous post on wrongful diagnosis, I met with my son’s specialist this Friday. He showed me some paper work between he and the School asking if I had seen it? I replied “NO that I hadn’t”

I discussed with him the issues of the medication he had placed my son on regarding a push from the school and my ex wife. Again I mentioned about how my wife who is a youth officer and my mother in law who is a youth career both haven’t seen any indication of Asperger’s or Austism with my son and he agreed that he didn’t think he had it either.

He did say though that he had him on the lowest medication and thought it would be good for him to be on for 12 months as it would help him stabilise his anger and develop some better behaviour controls. During our discussion he said he was totally happy with my not giving my son this medication during the week I had with him for the School Holidays, but it would be a good idea to continue it over the weekends I had him.

We spoke about counselling, to which he said that is a great idea if you are able to take him.

What a bun fight this turned out to be… I picked the boys up on Friday afternoon. Took them to their grandmothers and then home… I had to discipline the boys for fighting at home and their mum rings them up… to which when I spoke to her she called me a liar for seeing the doctor etc..I hung up on her.

My oldest son (11) became angry, telling me that I was lying about seeing the doctor. That he knew my bro had these problems and I knew nothing about it at all. His mother had told him to make sure I gave his brother his medication no matter what…

A few weeks ago I said to my son, “Son, I know your angry and its better to get it out then leave it in, so be angry with me” and boy did he let me have it. … Which was OK, better he gets it out then to allow it to boil and eat away at you.

My ex rang the coppers, had the coppers come out to check on us for apparently abusing the boys on the Friday night. The police spoke to us both, I told them what had happened and they said…sorry to disturb you…

The next day my son was still angry and wanted to go home… I was happy for him to go home…but would have preferred him to stay for the week and work out his issues with Dad…meanwhile mum is constantly on the phone to him encouraging him to come home…. I get a phone call from the police again telling me my ex was at the station demanding they help her get her son back… when I told the Constable that we did have a argument and I thought it better he stay with me to work through the issue… the Constable replied; “You have that right, its your agreed week to have your sons and we can’t get involved”

15minutes later she is on the door banging to be allowed in and because of past experiences I kept the door locked and told her no! Her words of advice to my son were… Ring 000 and tell them your big bad daddy is hitting you and you need to get away….

Lucky my wife came home and my ex stopped her intimidation. We both spoke to my son and let him go back with mum…to her disgust my other son decided to go home with her and she abused us about how was she going to look after both boys as she was supposed to be working.

A couple of huge issues came out of the event.

  1. I spoke to my ex about the need for the oldest to have counselling…She said he is having it and she is sitting in the room while he has it… How on earth can a young boy starting in his teenage years have counselling about all the issues at home, the separation and what is going on for him while his mum is sitting with him?
  2. The constant undermining of my position of the boys dad and the destabilising effect this has on my boys in doing so. My son should never have been given the responsibility of his brothers medications…as the policeman told him on Friday night… allow your mum and dad to be parents and you enjoy being a boy.
  3. I see a double whammy here though in that he is going to a fortnightly after school support group for kids with disabled siblings. Its being reinforced to him that his brother is disabled, and through his eyes I am a liar about him not being so.
  4. During my sons outpouring of his anger he spoke of how mum tells him every thing and that all I want to do is cause problems for her and so he isn’t allowed to nor will he tell me what mum says….This is a continual problem with my ex and my boys. I have written before about how her having adult conversations with the boys has caused problems where I have had to pick on son up from school because what she told him was making him feel sick.

Yesterday at church as we shared this story with our pastor and he said… “Huge kick in the nuts” and that is what it is…not only for me but for my boys as well….

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4 responses

13 11 2010
Lynn

I went to Lone Father’s Conference at Parliament House in Canberra a few years ago. I heard many stories like yours, of women trying by any means to undermine and damage the relationship between father and children. It is reprehensible and as I woman I have no time for women who behave this way.

A father is always a father, unless he is a criminal in which case he is in jail. Unless the crime has been against the child or it’s mother, even then he must have rights.

The kind of emotional abuse you describe is what makes men feel powerless and in despair for their children’s mental health, and with good cause. It is these women who have “issues”, surely mental health issues for this controlling and abusive behaviour. It is so damaging to all concerned.

I wish there was an easy answer, but sadly, there is not.

A friend of mine had a child that he has never seen as the woman ran off while she was pregnant. He has gone to extraordinary lengths to find his son,
and finally the matter is before the courts. She changed the child’s name, her own name, moved from state to state and hid her whereabouts from the electoral roll. She has made false allegations of sexual abuse (towards her children from her previous marriage) even though they never lived together.
He knows that going to court will unleash her lies towards him. He has decided (and his wife has agreed) that it will be worth it to have contact with his son who is now nine years old. What some men have to live through…

I think men have to support one another, find supportive healthy women as well so they do not become bitter and cynical towards all women, and do all they can to break the status quo. They need to fight for more access, more and better free access to counselling services for themselves and their children, and contact without other parental interference. The Family Court needs to be more proactive in this regard.

Never give up! God bless you and your children.

Lynn

14 11 2010
Craig Benno

Lynn
Thanks for your comment and support.
Your right in that there is no easy answer to the problems. One issue I have been reminded time and time again in my chaplaincy / counselling training is in the power of validation. If the authorities came out and said… Hey, there is a problem… we are hearing you…. that would make a huge difference.

1 05 2013
Campy

My Partner is going through the same thing now. His son is 5 stepson is 11, who until recently thought he was his biological father. He had his 5 yr old 7 days out of 14. Easter last year we let her have them over the holidays as we were unable to. While we did this she spun her web of lies to his son and told him his father hates him and no time for him. He started to refuse to come over. He kept asking his dad why he hated him so much, but no matter how much we told him it was not true,he did t believe us. It e went on until he never came over for 9 months. No Father’s Day, birthdays, Xmas, nothing and calls were pointless as loudspeaker was the only option and he was prompted what to say.
We went for help with legal aid. It took 6 months for the application to get approved because of the useless solicitor. We found another who told us that she cannot stop him from having him from 7 days to nothing. When the Mother was noticed of him taking action, she then made effort to get his son to come visit, but she would only allow every second weekend because that was all he was entitled to?? Hs son told us there was nothing to be scared of and wanted to come back. He wanted more time with his dad and she refused. She sent him over with school sores ( contagious) and we to,d our new solicitor. She told us to get doc report and to keep him. She sent her a letter to that effect. We kept him one week till they were nearly healed. We also had o change pick up from her house to a safer place, as one time I went there to get him, her current book head and her ex who was picking up one of her other kids, bailed him up and threatened to kill him. His son was in car and heard it all. She stopped them and told them don’t do it in front of her son. He didn’t speak for 24 hours…
School holidays started and we agreed to equal time. Her first week, us second week. Well I time came to get him and because we asked to pick him up 6 hours earlier she refused and then that gave her the opportunity to refuse us having access to him. She said she was scared we would not return him. We had mediation yesterday. WOT A JOKE. The mediator would not discuss the holidays as this was in the pat and to move forward. Ok then. But she bought up we kept him for a week and the dad had to justify his actions. His solicitor beside said nothing even though we acted on her instructions.
We wanted 7 days but because he is in school and dad lives 20 mins away this will not happen. We were offered 4 nights, one included footy training and a day of game. S less time for dad. We asked for an extra night and she declined as she had other things during the week to do and if she gave another night out of the 10 she had, she would lose time as she had to take him to footy training.. Funny that was not an issue for dads time. So in the end the ex asked mediator if the parenting plan was signed off by court and he said no. She then said no deal. The mediator said ok, and told the dad he had no access to his son until it we to court and the ex and mediator left. Best thing, they also said that legal aid would not fund this so be has to go to court at his own cost, or represent himself. So in the meantime, no son and no help. He is on disability pension…. How is that good for the child as they keep saying that they do everything in the best interest of the child. The Montserrat said that too and she would never stop him from seeing his kids. Funny thAt now she shows her true colours and we now know that was always her intentionpeople wonder why father act out, hurt them and kill themselves.. Who helps them… I am disgusted in women lime this…
One last thing, his sister in law is head person of docs and doesn’t see a problem in the mother of his kids taking and dealing drugs. Also she brags how good it is to take certain bike clubs children off them. Another low life piece of shit…
What can he do now to see his boy..
His step son is another issue – poor little bugger that one what he is going through. That’s another story..

2 05 2013
Craig Benno

The only way to ‘enforce’ custody issues (NSW Australia )is for both to go through a family relationship centre and sign a agreement, which is then lodged through the courts… if that is broken, then you can have the police step in.

If his ex doesn’t want to / refuses to go through the process, only then can you go through the courts to get a court order.

I’m really sorry to hear of your struggles in all this..

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