Allowing children to be children

27 09 2010

Continuing from my previous post on wrongful diagnosis, I met with my son’s specialist this Friday. He showed me some paper work between he and the School asking if I had seen it? I replied “NO that I hadn’t”

I discussed with him the issues of the medication he had placed my son on regarding a push from the school and my ex wife. Again I mentioned about how my wife who is a youth officer and my mother in law who is a youth career both haven’t seen any indication of Asperger’s or Austism with my son and he agreed that he didn’t think he had it either.

He did say though that he had him on the lowest medication and thought it would be good for him to be on for 12 months as it would help him stabilise his anger and develop some better behaviour controls. During our discussion he said he was totally happy with my not giving my son this medication during the week I had with him for the School Holidays, but it would be a good idea to continue it over the weekends I had him.

We spoke about counselling, to which he said that is a great idea if you are able to take him.

What a bun fight this turned out to be… I picked the boys up on Friday afternoon. Took them to their grandmothers and then home… I had to discipline the boys for fighting at home and their mum rings them up… to which when I spoke to her she called me a liar for seeing the doctor etc..I hung up on her.

My oldest son (11) became angry, telling me that I was lying about seeing the doctor. That he knew my bro had these problems and I knew nothing about it at all. His mother had told him to make sure I gave his brother his medication no matter what…

A few weeks ago I said to my son, “Son, I know your angry and its better to get it out then leave it in, so be angry with me” and boy did he let me have it. … Which was OK, better he gets it out then to allow it to boil and eat away at you.

My ex rang the coppers, had the coppers come out to check on us for apparently abusing the boys on the Friday night. The police spoke to us both, I told them what had happened and they said…sorry to disturb you…

The next day my son was still angry and wanted to go home… I was happy for him to go home…but would have preferred him to stay for the week and work out his issues with Dad…meanwhile mum is constantly on the phone to him encouraging him to come home…. I get a phone call from the police again telling me my ex was at the station demanding they help her get her son back… when I told the Constable that we did have a argument and I thought it better he stay with me to work through the issue… the Constable replied; “You have that right, its your agreed week to have your sons and we can’t get involved”

15minutes later she is on the door banging to be allowed in and because of past experiences I kept the door locked and told her no! Her words of advice to my son were… Ring 000 and tell them your big bad daddy is hitting you and you need to get away….

Lucky my wife came home and my ex stopped her intimidation. We both spoke to my son and let him go back with mum…to her disgust my other son decided to go home with her and she abused us about how was she going to look after both boys as she was supposed to be working.

A couple of huge issues came out of the event.

  1. I spoke to my ex about the need for the oldest to have counselling…She said he is having it and she is sitting in the room while he has it… How on earth can a young boy starting in his teenage years have counselling about all the issues at home, the separation and what is going on for him while his mum is sitting with him?
  2. The constant undermining of my position of the boys dad and the destabilising effect this has on my boys in doing so. My son should never have been given the responsibility of his brothers medications…as the policeman told him on Friday night… allow your mum and dad to be parents and you enjoy being a boy.
  3. I see a double whammy here though in that he is going to a fortnightly after school support group for kids with disabled siblings. Its being reinforced to him that his brother is disabled, and through his eyes I am a liar about him not being so.
  4. During my sons outpouring of his anger he spoke of how mum tells him every thing and that all I want to do is cause problems for her and so he isn’t allowed to nor will he tell me what mum says….This is a continual problem with my ex and my boys. I have written before about how her having adult conversations with the boys has caused problems where I have had to pick on son up from school because what she told him was making him feel sick.

Yesterday at church as we shared this story with our pastor and he said… “Huge kick in the nuts” and that is what it is…not only for me but for my boys as well….