I have just had a great weekend with my boys. We celebrated their birthdays… and I am ever so proud of them both. They turned 11 and 8. One wanted a game for his new PSP player and the younger wanted a couple of Axolotals…Mexican Walking Fish.
I set up a fishtank on a stand and had fun watching their antics…interestingly we also added 12 smaller fish to the tank and we only have 10 left…
I have always said to my boys since they were born… that I love and like them very much. It tears my heart out that I am only able to have the boys two nights out of every 14. One weekend a fortnight. I tried to negoitate to have them a third night…pick them up from school on the Friday and drop them off to school Monday morning….but those negiotians failed…
Yesterday the youngest went for a walk with me and the dog around the block… holding my hand. He complained that his legs were sore. I asked him if he wanted to turn back and he said… “Dad…I want to spend the time with you… you can walk my little legs off….. More pain…deep inner pain…yet....there was also joy…
My oldest boy didn’t want to go to bed when I sent them to bed… he wanted to stay up later with Dad and just sit quietly spending time with me as we watched tv…sitting in my presence… I felt he was like a sponge. ….. more pain…deep pain….yet again a mixture of pride and joy that my sons were growing up and were on their way to manhood.
How can you be filled with joy and sadness at the same time? I don’t know…all I know is it is possible.
Tonight I was speaking with my ex…she rang me wanting to know how long I wanted the boys for the School Holidays… I told her that I wanted them for 11 days… and she said that is way tooooooo long… she wouldn’t allow it.
I couldn’t talk any more… deeper pain… sad pain... being told that I couldn’t have my boys….. being told that instead they would have to go to day care during the holidays she is at work. I told her the boys didn’t like going and would rather stay with me than go to holiday care…..
She said …The boys are wrong…they do like it…they only just told you that and besides I am their mother and they will stay with me when I tell them to…….deep pain…confusing pain….
I couldn’t talk any more and so I just hung up… pain caused by more pain… more manipulation… more pain..
I tried to escape the pain of a abusive marriage by leaving… I had to leave or end up dead…broken by pain….and yet there is no escape from it… pain pain pain.