The pain of being alienated from family and friends

29 05 2010

Last night I rang an old friend whom I havent seen for a number of years. The last time had been when I was in hospital in 2007.  I have known her and her husband for about 25 years and were pretty close.

She told me that she had known we were seperated and then told me that my ex wife had rang and told her that I had just up and left, leaving her and the kids behind a few days after I finally did leave the house. When I filled her in with my side of the story and what had happened she was shocked.

I was not surprised to hear of my ex wife calling my friend in the way she did. This call was one of many that now a few years down the track I am hearing about. Part of the verbal abuse that I suffered was a constant barrage about how even my friends and family didn’t want anything to do with me.

She held a birthday party for my two boys, making it clear to me that she would make it as hard for me as she could if I came for it…then told every one who came that I was not interested in the kids or her…and had just upped and walked away. My brother went to the party with his boy and a few days later told me I was a slack ass for not going and how could I have done that to the kids….

When I first left I told a friend what was going on and why. He told his wife, who actually approached my ex about the issue of abuse.  A few days later she fired up at me, telling me how dare I tell people anything about her and that by the way, they never did believe me and that no one did and no one would and that she was going to make sure that I was going to loose every friend I ever had.

The day I realised that she was doing all this manipulation on purpose was a day I was walking back home from the shops. My ex was in the carpark with a couple of friends and asked me really nicely in front of them if she could have a word. I said Ok! Her friends walked away and she looked around to make sure no one was watching and went off her nut at me…telling me how all her friends could see she was being nice to me, that they knew she was better then me and that she would make my name mud with every one I know.

Its now 14 months down the track since I left the home and the divorce has happened. But there are so many scars. I fear contacting my old friends. The thought of them rejecting me is too much to bear. While in my head I know them to be lies… in my heart all those words have taken root.

There are days when it takes all my energy to pick up the phone and call someone from my past, whether it be an old friend, or family member. I have new friends now. Some know my past, many don’t. Its good to have friends, and indeed its an important part of our identity.

It was so good last night to hear the voice of my friend from years ago. There was much healing in doing so. Her and her husbands acceptance of me brought deeper healing then she could ever know….

How can one describe the pain, the deep inner pain of what happens when another strips your identity away from you so much that you believe their lies that even family and friends don’t want anything to do with you any more.  I am sorry about the clumsyness of this post…I have to go… the tears are too much




2 responses

27 08 2014
C. Burkey

” all her friends could see she was being nice to me, that they knew she was better then me and that she would make my name mud with every one I know.” Someone did this to me, too, and she succeeded.

When someone like this succeeds in destroying important relationships, everyone loses.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It is hard to understand why people who do these things, do them. In my case, my mother was this woman’s bitter rival. Even though my mother is dead 37 years, this woman still hates me and is jealous of her very memory. Her being dead isn’t enough—she must kill the memories too and since I remember, she must kill my relationships with the people we have in common: unfortunately, that is almost my entire immediate family. I finally gave up, but it is a lonely life sometimes, not being believed. Everyone believes her instead and she is very convincing. Does the same kind of thing: VERY nice in front of other people.

30 08 2014
Craig Benno

Im sorry to hear of this. Incredibly destructive. Where are you at now in your relationships?

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