Words that cut deep.

18 05 2010

Inside I’m dying, wanting to do what is right. Knowing that no matter what I do it won’t be enough. It’s never enough. My body has failed me and my mind is confused. Sickness has ravaged my being, causing me to be unable to do what I once took for granted.

Recovery is slow, my steps are short. I tire ever so easily. Yet the little I do is never enough. Your words cut to the bone. They are sharper and more destructive then the needle used for the lumber punctures that I had to endure. They cause me to weaken more then what the virus did in causing my paralysis.

The words you spoke were worse than the hits to my head. They were worse than the bite to my wrist. They were worse than the personal items you destroyed. Words destroying the little identity I had left of whom I was. They were like machine gun bullets destroying my flesh. The flesh of my inner man. The flesh of my mind, the flesh of my heart.

No matter what I do, I know its not enough. It’s never enough. No matter how hard I try, my body fails me. My memory is shattered and the virus gave me partial amensia. Yet I know deep inside me I have forgotten something. What is it I fear? I know that soon I will find out. Too soon I will find out. If I could only forget the words that you say. They are so sharp and so barbed that they dig deeper into my flesh.

Your words telling me a real man would be out working, while I went shopping in a wheel chair, denying me money to buy Christmas presents. Your words telling me that you hold me in contempt, because I should be out working instead of spending 2 months in hospital. Words that cut deep. It would take me three days to mow the lawn…yet it was never enough. Who was I to want to try to write a book was often your catch cry. Who do you think you are was your often enough snarl? A question that I couldn’t answer; for I couldn’t answer who was I.

Your words cut me deep, a pain ever so sharp. Those words that I feared more than your bite. Your words caused more pain than the friendships you destroyed. A pain that was so deep, I didn’t know how to survive. Depression set in, your’e mental you cried. The words cutting deeper, causing deep destruction inside.

Let’s pray I suggested; “But not with you” you would cry, “a more cursed man I have never laid eyes.” God has turned His back on you, your prayers He will ignore, oh by the way Hell is your reward.  Oh your words they cut deep, ever so deep. Confusion and pain continues to build on more pain.

You belittled my hopes and spat on my dreams. I had gone numb and at times dared not to breathe. I struggled enough with what the encephalitis had done, but it was a walk in the park compared to what you had done. Out of my home I was forced, with no where to go. So into my van I had to go. For nearly six weeks I slept in the back of my van, for their was no where else for me to go.

My mobility was limited, finances tight. My disability compounded because of the fright. Your words cut me deep, there was no escape. The memory of them would hound me during the night. Daytime would come, and I would stagger out into the light. But no matter what happened it wasn’t enough. $420 a fortnight was all I had to live on….50% you cried was your due. Your words cut me deep, ever so deep.

No matter what I did it was never enough, my own well being you couldn’t give a stuff. Oh those words, they cut me so deep. They would continue to trouble me in my sleep.

How sweet it would have been to have a friend at hand, but your words caused them all to turn against me. I was at fault for leaving the home. What a bastard they said, how could he do this to you, despising me more and shutting the door. My church blackbanned me, no more contact from them, causing more pain to continue its destruction within.

Those words cut deep, destroying within…a shell of a man of whom I had been. How sweet it was to hear the voice of a friend. Now those times are past, over a year has gone by and now there are new friends, a new church, a new hope. A new wife to be….oh such hope. The disability is still there, recovery is slow….though my balance has improved and my walk isn’t so slow. My memory still fails me and tiredness sets in.

But with new words of hope and joy setting in I’m slowly able to shed the words of the past into the bin.

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16 responses

22 05 2010
Abdias the blind

This brought tears to my eyes. It takes a plethora of inner courage for a male to be able to speak out about any form of abuse (particularly with a female perpetrator).

It’s always good to have another voice fighting against the demeaning, teasing, shaming, mocking, belittling, and vituperation of male victims.

Keep fighting the good fight.

22 05 2010
Craig Benno

Thanks Abdias for your encouragement. Its a subject that I would rather not be speaking out on.

Yet its also an important one. It only takes the voice of one to speak up with the encouragement and support of many.

Domestic abuse is not a gender issue, it is a issue of broken humanity.

24 05 2010
Leah

This is a very powerful piece of writing Craig and I urge you to give it a wider airing over at writers community searchwarp.com

I contribute their often and it’s very worthwhile in terms of exposure and feedback.

I am very very glad you have been able to escape that hell.

I have a saying,

“the good thing about hitting rock-bottom, is that there is only one way left to go….and that’s up!”

Keeping going up Craig.

Wonderful writing, a rare talent. Please make the most of it.

Leah

24 05 2010
Leah

ps. I know what you mean re your reluctance to talk about this topic. I’ve written a couple of times about abuse and I deleted the content…it’s a wierd thing, not sure the reason. Guilt, shame, having moved on and wanting to forget? Either way these works should remain in the public domain (mine too) as they help so many people.

25 05 2010
Craig Benno

Hi Leah. Thanks for your comments.

The writing site you mentioned looks fantastic. I filled in the form and submitted an application.

I truly believe that abuse of any kind is not a gender issue, its an issue of broken humanity and one way to stamp it out is for those affected to speak out and make their story known.

I understand the motive of moving on and wanting to forget. By going back we can move back into the memories of the pain of the past… which can be destructive if we remain there.

25 05 2010
Leah

Hi Craig

I’m glad you joined searchwarp, let me know when you post your first article there.

If you comment on the front page and columnist articles you will find people visit your articles and leave feedback. The more you do this the quicker you will become known in the writing community there and your profile and presence will grow.

There is an ‘advice’ section to the site, which writers can offer to contribute to, this way you get regular front page exposure.

Good luck!

25 05 2010
Marijo Phelps

This is a powerful piece. thanks for sharing your heart – I know it couldn’t have been easy but perhaps it helped to be expressing it. I signed up for your fan club on Searchwarp and hope to read more soon! Marijo

29 05 2010
Craig Benno

Thanks for your comments Marijo. It’s not easy. But writing about it allows the pain to come to the surface where it can be dealt with, instead of simmering deep down.

16 06 2010
John Citizen

Having been divorced some 25 years ago reading this brought vivid memories of the 15 years of marriage it’s not the physical abuse so much the “playful slapping that just gets harder”, but the pyschcological abuse that is always like the open wound that never heals. The denial of access the payment of maintenance from each seperate job (had three at one stage) got taxed on each as a single person, referred to as “boys” from the female supervisor when we were all mature men in our forties or later. Speak from the mountain top brother, speak loud and clear, speak of what you endured to all that will hear, the time of change is near”.

16 06 2010
craig bennett

Hi John.
I am sorry to hear of your pain and experience. 25 years ago it would have been harder for you to bear your pain then what it would be now. It seems there are a few more resources for men to access….. though as you say there is not enough of them and indeed lets shout out, “Its time for change”

1 06 2011
Maria

Craig,
I am in a 14 yr marriage to a verbally abusive husband. He is so charming and convincing that I have repeatedly been told that his behavior is simply “mis-communication”. So I have carried the guilt that I do not have better understanding. It was only in watching his behavior toward others and listening to the words that came out of my own mouth in defending his behavior both toward myself and others that I realized that his behavior was in fact very abusive while expertly “covert”. It was only when I began to record conversations that I was able to reveal the truth about his behavior, even if to only myself.
My point to all this is that this has been excruciatingly painful to get help from counselors and pastors because, after all, “He will do anything to save his marriage”, “his wife is his soul-mate”, “he just loves her more than anything, can’t live without her…” On and on that made him sound like just the poor, heart-broken victim of a cruel, un-loving, heartless wife who makes such vile claims and is trying to ruin his life by moving on to pursue whatever.
But….while I have always known that men too, are often victims….I could not even begin to imagine the difficulty that a man would face in getting anyone to understand, much less even believe that “a woman, being of the nurturing species” could be capable of anything of the like.
My heart and sympathies go out to you along with the hope that your soulful words will reach and encourage many.
Wishing you true blessings for your future

3 06 2011
Craig Benno

Hi Maria.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing some of your story….Abuse of any kind is heartbreaking and particularly so when its not recognised as abuse and covered over – I will pray that your husband will see the error of his ways.

Bless you cb

3 12 2012
Why do I blog? « Trinitarian Dance

[…] Partner Abuse.” And following my separation in early 2009, I started another blog called Through Hell and Back on the 18th of May […]

12 11 2013
flynn

Thank you for your writing, i come here via the one in three website where your words, along with all the other stories there have helped start my healing process. Its been over a year since i left my abusive partner and i still feel as if my soul has been dented, almost to breaking. however now each day i am feeling stronger, happier and closer to being who i once was.

your a very brave man, and i am glad you found a woman who isn’t blind to your strength.

12 11 2013
Craig Benno

Hi Flynn.

Thanks for stopping by and sharing some of your story. There will be days when you feel strong and days when you fall apart.. but gradually you will learn to live and love again.

I know I have changed and will never go back to being the person I once was. But, I don’t want to go back to who I once was, and am enjoying the person I am today and am a better person for it.

12 11 2013
Craig Benno

P.S.. Glad you found the one in 3 blog. It was a life saver for me when I found it, and I suspect its the same for you as well mate.. praying and thinking of you.. cb.

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